We know that readers (ok, ok, the single reader – fine!) of this blog are very discerning gentlemen (if you are a lady please leave your number in the comments section) with refined tastes and superior intelligence. And therefore they take a strong interest in foreign affairs and stuff like the socioeconomic factors which impact the length of the lower garment worn by the distaff members of the human race, and the cultural impact of human sacrifices to the great lord cthulhu. And like all average writers, I too, must take care of my audience and provide them with the kind of reading which will make for intelligent dinner table conversation, and enhance the readers possibility of contributing to the propogation of the human species – we all know how chicks dig stuff they cant understand.
Therefore, this week we shall discuss ‘foreign culture’ so that you can show what a wise (and wealthy – chicks dig the green stuff too – no we are not talking about the fungus on your boxers, dude) and well traveled gentleman you are, the topic will be ‘bar conversations with aussie gentlemen’
Ok, so you are in Oz. You survived the rubber steak they served you on Qantas, and the sniffer dogs and the customs inspection at the airport – you have stowed your luggage and changed into bata rubber chappals (referred to as Thongs by the locals – no, not those kind of thongs) and you have wonderful pair of sunglasses parked on your head and you have decided to start your immersion in aussie culture by dipping a toe at the neighbourhood drinking hole. You have practice your ‘maite’ and have the drawl down to a t. You have done your research on the beer, and know that you can’t go in and order Fosters, because it is not Australian for beeahh. But are you prepared for the biggest challenge? You don’t even know what it is, how can you be prepared? You are lucky that some dude sitting in CERN decided to make this thing called the internet so that reading this could save your sorry a**.
Drink in gorgeous blondes in skimpy bikinis draped all over the place. The blondes, not the bikinis dumbo.
Realise that the tree trunks against which some of them are leaning are rippling in an oddly menacing manner.
Gulp twice as you realize aforementioned tree trunks belong to her boyfriend, and are not tree trunks but his arms.
Avert eyes, and head towards bar looking sheepish while at the same time pulling the sunglasses over your eyes to hide sheepishness and assume coolness (great face saving devices, sunglasses)
Go up to the bar, and ask bartender for pint of Pure Blonde or VB or Little Creatures or Corona (Anything else and you are risking recently saved face)
Realise that you have been giving your order to the beer taps.
Remove sunglasses from eyes, locate gorgeous bar tender.
Replace jaw in socket, lift eyes a couple of inches and looking at her FACE – resubmit petition for beer of choice.
Take beer, smile say thank you (to her face) and then move towards empty table / empty space/ friends.
Take a swig of your drink, and act cool. Which means don’t open your mouth, don’t letch at the bartender from across the open spaces and act as though everything in the world bores you. The same effect can be achieved by trying to recollect the last time you were in close vicinity of such pulchritude while simultaneously trying to calculate the 4th root of Pi. Watch the match on the telly and yell Terimaaaki1 when an Aussie wicket falls. Ok, that might be a long wait, when anything remotely exciting happens – such as the changeover of the commentary team. Smile at the bunch of aussies staring at you and say ‘ Hi, how you doing ‘ No wait, I use that elsewhere – Say ‘Hey, Wassup?’. ‘Mate’ remember to draw it out. The rest of the conversation should be pretty straightforward –
You: ‘Hey, Wassup Maite’
Aussie: Hey, enjoying the cricket?
You : Yup, you guys are finally learning to play – pretty soon we will be evenly matched if you guys keep it up
Aussie: Ha Ha Ha, you subtle sarcastic rascal you – why don’t you sleep with my girlfriend and my sister tonight? – (yeah right, what are you drinking? – aussies wont get sarcasm so easily)
Rewind: Aussie: thoughtful. Slow smile as the humor strikes – hahahaha. You guys are worse than the poms
You: yeah except that we win sometimes..
Aussie: grinning, so what do you do, my name is steve.
You: Hi, my name is (insert your name here)2 I work at (insert your job here) while auditioning for movies as a 7-11 clerk
Aussie: Oh, my friend Steve works there too? Have you met him?
You: Oh yes, Steve C is your mate? I didn’t realize he had such splendid friends who are a boon to humanity
Aussie: No no, not Steve C – Steve the guy in account.
You: Ooooh, you mean Steve Adams – yeah I know him.
Aussie: No, no – not Steve Adams, wait let me find out what his full name is – (calls girlfriend over) Hey Nicole, whats Steve’s full name?
Nicole: You mean my brother Steve?
Aussie: No, no the other Steve – the one who works at (insert name of company)
Nicole: Steve K
Aussie: Yes, Yes Steve K
You: (Politely) Sorry, I am not sure if I have met him but I’ll defnly look him up.
Aussie: Nicole, meet my new friend – he works with Steve
You: Hi Nicole, I’m (insert name)
Nicole: I am sorry, I didn’t get that, how do you spell it ?
You (giving up the ghost): Es Tee Eee Vee Eee – My friends call me Steve
This ends our current instalment of the Aussie chapter on improving your chances of contributing to the gene pool.
Previous chapters on culture here.
1 This was actually the name of a quiz team in college (I was a visiting member) – we used to say it in an anglicized manner when introducing the team so people rarely realized what we had actually said.
2 Reminds me of the time we sent our team mate to present at an advertising case competition (at an equally well known institute of management in eastern India) with a deck finished at 5 am after a party – which had everything except the final tagline – we left it as insert tagline here. Which is exactly how our team mate presented it. No, we didn’t win that one.