Still haven’t found what i am looking for


Uncategorized / Thursday, November 24th, 2005

I miss my old self. I used to be very simple, straightforward person and my relations too were simple and straightforward. There were people I liked, and people I admired and I didn’t waste too much time worrying about what others thought of me and what my image was.

Since my last couple of reviews were I was told that my work is good but my management of perceptions needs to improve, I have spent some time thinking about it,and also acting on it. But it leaves me unhappy.

What really matters is whether I do my work and how well I do my work. Managing image perceptions means that you spend less time working. But in my conversations with other batchmates – it seems that I am not the only one getting this feedback.

Getting back to the starting line, I am now more complicated and involved with people, thoughts, places and tasks which are not even close to the goals of simple old me. I used to be happy playing football, I used to be happy just saying hi to you across the mess, I used to be happy because my group gave kick ass case solutions which others hadn’t thought of, I used to be happy with very simple things. The grades didn’t matter and the jobs others got didn’t matter.

Now, 10% increments every six months are not enough, I am comparing my pay to those of my batchmates. The fact that I enjoy my work is not enough, I think I should be doing more. The fact that I am reading some really beautiful books is not enough, I think I am not reading enough. I haven’t played some football in a long time, I am busy trying to make money and getting the corner office. And what will I think of the days and years which I spend pursuing something which is not close to my heart’s desire.

I really miss you.

4 Replies to “Still haven’t found what i am looking for”

  1. >I used to be happy playing football, I used to be happy just saying hi to you across the mess, I used to be happy because my group gave kick ass case solutions which others hadn’t thought of

    Times change. You could be simple in that environment because it was a closed system. There is a great deal to be said for campus life, but the world is a bigger, more complex, scarier and, in some ways, more exciting place. You can choose to remain as you were, and return to that environment[or remain unhappy], or grow into the wider world.

    >What really matters is whether I do my work and how well I do my work.

    It matters, yes. But accept that you have to live with other people. Managing perceptions is part of being human. It doesn’t lessen you in any way, not if you don’t compromise your core principles. And it could help you grow as a person. Before you point it out, yes, this is ironic, coming from me. 😉

    >And what will I think of the days and years which I spend pursuing something which is not close to my heart’s desire.

    Do you realise that you’re in control of your life? You and the Illuminati. The first step towards loss of control is the belief that you have lost control. My brother was in a similar position- he chose to move to a country where he didn’t know the language, and search for a job that he wouldn’t compromise on the quality of. Marduk forbid that I preach, but you can make time for whatever you want- if it is really your heart’s desire.

  2. ah well, it’s just my cribbing self letting some steam out

    the simplicity has nothing to do with the environment then – cos in many ways workinglife is a lot less complex then campus – although the risks are higher now, and the pay offs are real

    i know what i would love to hold, but i do not have the power to make some decisions for others, of course i haven’t done everything i could, but right now it’s like a chess game where i cant see beyond the boring draw – so no making any moves

    and yes, i am changing – slowly, but i am

    and i am sweeping the trash out – slowly, but i am.

  3. Hey!

    Although I can say this in person today evening, posting a comment just seems like a cooler option.

    The only real complications in the world are the ones inside our head. All the other complications are mere annoyances.

    However much we do or own, it will never be enough. Unless we realise that it’s OK to not do or own enough. That it’s probably a good thing to not do or own enough. If you have (done) enough, there is nothing more left to have (do).

    Let’s watch the Peter Sellers DVD tonight.

  4. oops, sorry – just the comment now, will watch peter sellers the night i am back… over some homecooked food and some christmas cake 🙂

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